it’s a tuesday night, my right eye is squinted, and i’m not wearing any pants. i feel a little disoriented, my diet dr. pepper isn’t hitting how it usually does. my husband is scrolling through youtube and sounds like he’s watching every single video at full length, full audio. my favorite. right eye is now shutting. not sure whether i should shoot the shit more on here, apply to more jobs, or start writing that detective story that’s been looming over my head for the past few years. they say just start. that’s all you have to do. it can be messy. it just has to exist. well i don’t know how to fucking do that. if i have a tuesday evening where i just start and i only have a few run on sentences that sound so detached from reality and i continue that trend every day…yeah, that’s real fucking messy. like one of those instances where someone enters the room ready for a small spill but really they need a hazmat suit. reminds me of the time i was a busgirl at a small, family-owned restaurant in town. i didn’t get the memo about the child overeating and vomiting up in the front. so i didn’t know to turn off my radio when they needed one of the bus girls to clean something up in the front. so i promptly show up to face this small child with pork loin remnants dripping from her chin. disgusting. just stop. anyways. whatever. i don’t know who i’m talking to. maybe someone else needs to see this, hear this, digest this (not vomit). i know i would need to. good god almighty my right eye could be scooped out and i wouldn’t know. i need a lobotomy. when did they stop doing those for migraines and anxiety? because that shit probably would feel orgasmic right about now. no but really though, i just want to feel like i’ve made a positive difference in the world. i know many folks say that, but in my 30 years, i have actually met a surprisingly few number of people that actually do the right thing. that actually take the long way. that actually wade through more challenging waters if it means to uphold their moral foundation. it’s okay if the water gets deep, as long as their chin can find the surface, even intermittently, they’ll survive and keep doing the right thing. but how sustainable is that? i know i feel like i’ve been treading water throughout my twenties. best time of your life they all said. who the fuck said that. like it absolutely blows ass. honestly. you’re full of big hopes, dreams, and even fuller of shit. we think we know so so so so much. and we do. we really do know a lot in our twenties. and it is truly an exciting time because there is so much enlightenment. but what accompanies that enlightenment or really, precedes it, is failure, in one form or another. failing to meet our expectations, or another’s. and so, we have these big plans, right? we announce them to friends and family. and then they don’t work out. time and time again. anyone else feel that? then family asks if you’re on the right path. and you really just want to squint that right eye, sharply cock your head to the left and say you have 80 grams of cocaine in your asshole. because i mean, come the fuck on. the audacity. if you didn’t get into grad school, or didn’t get the job, or whatever…must mean the wheels have fallen off the wagon and glossi has get goned.
what i’m really trying to say in graphic detail and disgusting imagery is that, life is sucking some major ass for me right now. and i’m wanting to put out the vibes that i’m still here, still vibin’ and still tryin’. i’m likely going to finish this up, apply to a few more jobs, take some migraine medicine, maybe apply an eye ointment or at least contemplate, and take a hammer to my husband’s iphone.
let’s hope it all gets better. that it’s easier to hold our chins above the waterline.
