i just want to feel like i belong. like i’ve done something worthwhile. that my life wasn’t for just anything. not just to take up space, but to influence those around me. that’s what all particles of matter do, right? they influence. some more than others depending on size, shape, temperature, density, and other variables. and i guess if this analogy extends into human emotions, it can vary from day to day. admittedly, i feel heavier some days than others. my influence may be more profound on those days… likely not in the most constructive or enlightening manners, though.
but i think we all go through these hiccups. some endure low lows and high highs, sometimes for an extended period of time.
like we’re all members of a symphony. and we have this instrument, right. and this sheet of musical notes in front of us. and somehow, without instruction, we have to learn how to play the melody. some are given trumpets and a naturally blessed set of lips and vocals; hitting the various brass pitches never came so easily. and then there’s the delicate nature of the flute player, whose fingers tremble and sweat as they haphazardly focus on completely enclosing the hole for the intended note. just a slip of the finger or twitch of the lips and we’ve played it all wrong.
should be no surprise i was handed a clarinet to play. both in this story and in real life. though my underdeveloped prefrontal lobe squeaked and squawked through my teens, i was first chair in my county with the clarinet. i loved it. i felt calm. i felt powerful. i felt articulate before i really knew what that even meant. it felt like i was fluent in another language. music brought me so much… emotion. and it still does to this day.
music is made even more beautiful when we blend the various instruments and talents. blend the various experiences that are etched into our beings. how we speak, walk, act, think, perform… we’re all just part of this symphony that we really never signed up to play in, never had the opportunity to select our own instrument. sure, we’re given a little leeway in style, but then that, of course, is limited by the equipment we’re provided. my clarinet is not necessarily going to fit in a rock n roll band.
though, side note, after my dad came home from business trips, i was still in grade school and my brother was in middle school, playing the clarinet i would soon set my eyes upon. i would sing a mix of ad-lib celebratory songs on the tailgate of our family truck. that, and hilary duff. not sure if my father felt happy in those moments or just like, “oh my god. we bought a karaoke machine. why.”
those fond memories aside, i think about the point of my life now. and if my notes make a difference in this symphony. i have to think they do. and i have to think yours do too. even if you’re relatively quiet, playing a small part — let’s say, the triangle — you will enter someone’s life in its most sparkling moments. maybe you’ll ring as a cake perfectly fluffs in the oven. or when two beloveds finally kiss.
when i really think about the point of my life, it’s to create. create bonds with others, create memories, create happiness, create art in every capacity. to create life. to create, just as the conductor of the world around us does. and for all those horrid moments when we hit a note wrong or fall flat, it’s more than made up for when we harmonize. when every single ordinary individual has a stake in creating the extraordinary.
